Today, I read over at Butterfly Wife’s place that she’s in need of a time machine to bring her to the end of the deployment. I’ve been wishing for the same thing for the last year or so, but I also worry about what that wish really means.
I’m wishing my life away… I’m not living in enjoying the present… I’m wishing my children to grow up faster… I’m missing so much.
I have spent a good portion of this deployment just “going through the motions”… feeding and clothing the kids, feeding the dogs, keeping up the house, working, etc..
I didn’t want to enjoy anything. I was focusing only on my “to do” list of the boring, but necessary things that need to be done by me, and me alone since I’m now a temporary single parent.
My happiness suffered and the kid’s happiness suffered.
The kids are growing… I can’t stop that. They will be a year older than last Stuntman saw them. I wasn’t focusing on all of the things they’ve learned this year, all of the growth in their little personalities. I was just trying to keep them in one piece until Stuntman was home to be Daddy again.
A few weeks ago I realized all that I was missing… and I decided that I didn’t want to miss any more. I looked at the kids with fresh eyes and saw how they’ve grown. How did this all happen?
E1 is so mature. She really carries herself well. She’s not as stubborn as she has been since birth. Compromise is actually an option with her now.
E2 is no longer a toddler…. she is on the verge of reading. She’s not always the easy-going kid she used to be. She’s strong in her opinions… when did that happen?
E3, who was just a wiggly baby at the beginning of this deployment is an energetic toddler. “Energetic” doesn’t even begin to describe him. I swear he understands every word I say, and his language is improving.
The doggies have changed too... I couldn't stop Pumpkin from dying without Stuntman here, and Roxie and Sparky have "matured" since her passing.
I guess I just wanted the end to be here so Stuntman wouldn’t miss anything… but instead I missed it right in front of my face.